i've been asking myself these questions for years, it seems. more so 'who do you want to be?' i believe we all have a vision of ourselves, the kind of person we want to be in the world. often our perception of ourselves differs from our reality.
growing up in a time where anything seems possible and choices are infinite, can be more of a curse than a blessing. this is definitely a first world issue. the fact that we even have the opportunities we do, is definitely a blessing in the big scheme of things. even if you can see yourself in a variety of ways and can see yourself living many different lives/lifestyles…there is likely a common thread running through it all. but do others see themselves this way/these ways? or is it just me?
let me just say that i have read almost all of the books on personal growth and creativity out there (well, this might be an exaggeration, but it feels this way) and am still to this day looking for 'the one' that will inspire the big epiphany for me. what is this epiphany and what is it supposed to inspire me to do? ~ maybe write that book that i keep looking for? ~ hmmm...
part of my issue, i believe, is a certain lack of motivation or even...apathy? even though i have accomplished a great deal in terms of education and life experience, i still always feel as though i am hitting below my 'mark.' underachieving. why i feel this way is a whole other ball of wax that i don't fully understand. my parents never pushed me to excel, i believe it was innate…a constant yearning to accomplish something...maybe even something great. someone told me years ago that i was an 'empire builder,' at that time i didn't even know what that meant. but since then i have come to agree that yes, i am an empire builder. however, i haven't yet built my empire…what would this empire even look like?
as an artist i have had an eternal struggle with making the leap into some kind of self sufficiency in the arts. but i've never really given it 100% because of FEAR (yes, the 'starving artist' cliche looms large). i have come to realize that i need a certain level of security in my life...that same security that i constantly push away from even when i come close to achieving it (not sure what this is about either). this restless/reckless part of my nature is vexing...i yearn for comfort, security and routine and then conversely grow bored (for want of a better word) of it in a startlingly short period of time.
so now i'm launching into a new career...one that holds plenty of promise in terms of life's 'rewards'...things like monetary gain, job satisfaction...and yes, maybe even security in some form!
let's sit with that thought for a moment. security. i can hardly recall how that feels...
but there's always, always that voice (no i don't hear actual voices...don't judge me!) that keeps telling me i need to succeed as an artist. mind you, these two things aren't mutually exclusive - i could envision a career in both counseling and the arts, in fact that's why i pursued art therapy at one point. but now that i've finished my degree and filed away the papers and put down the text books...surrounded myself with art supplies and blank canvasses... where to start? i am admittedly rusty, i haven't been painting much in the past how many years of my degree and feel anxious. again, that creative anxiety is also an albatross around my neck (this is a future post).
so what do all the books say? ...just START! anywhere. i'll tell you what happens if you don't...you'll see those paintings show up under another artist's name, or that book show up under another author's name...i wish i were kidding! off to go pick up a paintbrush...
